Do you?

Do you remember her?

No, I don’t remember anything about her. I barely miss the person I fell in love with and even I can’t deny that. The person I knew isn’t her now. She is completely different person to me from every parameter to say she is there. I feel I have forgotten everything: attachments and memories with her. I don’t know what made her change. She took that decision herself and I think she must be aware about the consequences of that decision.

I held on for months and then years hoping I’d get some sign that the person I fell in love with was still in there. Even the time emit the hope inside us like a slow poison. I finally realized she was gone. The bitter phase is we can only wait for so long before we have to realize that our loved one is gone. We have to think about every second we spent just to get that person back but we failed there. I did everything I could from my side but I lost. I’ll always remember the person that used to be her but I don’t remember the girl that she is now.

Do you lose her?

No, I don’t lose her. We lose something that are attached to us, like an appendage. We only lose something that has been owned by us. I don’t own her. She is an independent soul that don’t know how to live on a cage and I don’t want to be the cage maker that hold the freedom of her soul. She was always free with me. It’s her nature and I never thought of capturing her forever.

When we both can contribute our time and love with each other, we were together and now we don’t find a common reason to contribute so we aren’t together. It’s our way of loving each other by respecting each other’s lifestyle, existence and privacy. It became hard to explain the thing that are not with us anymore. She is not with me right now and it doesn’t mean either I lose her or she lose me. It’s not about winning or losing her. I think I lose many things from her. I may lose her commitment toward me, her precious time allocated just for me, her smile that only look brighter in front of me and her way of counseling me when I was weak but I never lose her as a person. I only lose feelings and memories spent with her.

Do you want her?

I want her more than anything right now. I still remember many people that I lost and don’t want to lose. To be honest with myself she is one of them. Habits are hard to change and some of them are hard to forget as well. Some people write their stories on our life like a tattoo and we don’t want to erase it. Either the fear of losing the person completely that difficult or advantage of being attached without person’s presence that important, those stories slowly get used to us. Those habits made us realize we want that people in our life. So, I think I want her as much the sun and moon want this sky.

Losing her was not my intention from the beginning but not everything we want is always ours. It’s the sad reality of life and we have to accept it just the way it is. I don’t want all the promises we set up to fade that easily by losing each other. I want her because I want to keep the promises alive forever. I want her because without her, life is not spicy and salty anymore. I want her because she has somehow become my favorite habit. But it doesn’t matter now. My word won’t make a sound even if I yell, shout and cry.

Do you understand the meaning of love?

Love has different meaning and the definition of love is not universal theory. One can understand the meaning from their perspective only. The person who has felt love can only understand the true meaning of love and rest of them just assume. That’s the only criteria: first you need to experience it. The love is either isolated, free or complex. Nobody has its perfect understanding. I only understand the meaning of love from my perspective on some complex pieces.

I understand the definition of love when we were together but I understand the meaning of love when we are apart. It’s obvious we realize the meaning of something after we lose them. I got to learn and feel every silence that make me realize she is not there, the sensation of her not being with me anymore. I understand the loneliness of love when I have to face every emptiness alone. I deserve it but not everything and alone. Every loneliness is having conflict with me for the loss of their favorite cure called love. But they’d barely understand I am also the one who is suffering as much as they are right now. The old favorite love has now teamed up with my very own loneliness and declared a war and every time I will have to lose: part of me and part of her on my life.

Do you?
Aku