Do you remember her?
Do you?
Aku
No, I don’t remember anything about her. I barely miss the
person I fell in love with and even I can’t deny that. The person I knew isn’t
her now. She is completely different person to me from every parameter to say
she is there. I feel I have forgotten everything: attachments and memories with
her. I don’t know what made her change. She took that decision herself and I
think she must be aware about the consequences of that decision.
I held on for months and then years hoping I’d get some sign
that the person I fell in love with was still in there. Even the time emit the
hope inside us like a slow poison. I finally realized she was gone. The bitter
phase is we can only wait for so long before we have to realize that our loved
one is gone. We have to think about every second we spent just to get that
person back but we failed there. I did everything I could from my side but I
lost. I’ll always remember the person that used to be her but I don’t remember
the girl that she is now.
Do you lose her?
No, I don’t lose her. We lose something that are attached to
us, like an appendage. We only lose something that has been owned by us. I
don’t own her. She is an independent soul that don’t know how to live on a cage
and I don’t want to be the cage maker that hold the freedom of her soul. She
was always free with me. It’s her nature and I never thought of capturing her
forever.
When we both can contribute our time and love with each other,
we were together and now we don’t find a common reason to contribute so we
aren’t together. It’s our way of loving each other by respecting each other’s
lifestyle, existence and privacy. It became hard to explain the thing that are
not with us anymore. She is not with me right now and it doesn’t mean either I
lose her or she lose me. It’s not about winning or losing her. I think I lose
many things from her. I may lose her commitment toward me, her precious time
allocated just for me, her smile that only look brighter in front of me and her
way of counseling me when I was weak but I never lose her as a person. I only
lose feelings and memories spent with her.
Do you want her?
I want her more than anything right now. I still remember
many people that I lost and don’t want to lose. To be honest with myself she is
one of them. Habits are hard to change and some of them are hard to forget as
well. Some people write their stories on our life like a tattoo and we don’t
want to erase it. Either the fear of losing the person completely that
difficult or advantage of being attached without person’s presence that
important, those stories slowly get used to us. Those habits made us realize we
want that people in our life. So, I think I want her as much the sun and moon
want this sky.
Losing her was not my intention from the beginning but not
everything we want is always ours. It’s the sad reality of life and we have to
accept it just the way it is. I don’t want all the promises we set up to fade
that easily by losing each other. I want her because I want to keep the
promises alive forever. I want her because without her, life is not spicy and
salty anymore. I want her because she has somehow become my favorite habit. But
it doesn’t matter now. My word won’t make a sound even if I yell, shout and
cry.
Do you understand the meaning of love?
Love has different meaning and the definition of love is not
universal theory. One can understand the meaning from their perspective only. The
person who has felt love can only understand the true meaning of love and rest
of them just assume. That’s the only criteria: first you need to experience it.
The love is either isolated, free or complex. Nobody has its perfect
understanding. I only understand the meaning of love from my perspective on some
complex pieces.
I understand the definition of love when we were together
but I understand the meaning of love when we are apart. It’s obvious we realize
the meaning of something after we lose them. I got to learn and feel every
silence that make me realize she is not there, the sensation of her not being with
me anymore. I understand the loneliness of love when I have to face every
emptiness alone. I deserve it but not everything and alone. Every loneliness is
having conflict with me for the loss of their favorite cure called love. But
they’d barely understand I am also the one who is suffering as much as they are
right now. The old favorite love has now teamed up with my very own loneliness
and declared a war and every time I will have to lose: part of me and part of her
on my life.
Do you?
Aku
